Spring Insights

The photo above was taken about twenty years ago. I am still as fit as I was then, and a little bit wiser about preventing injury. We were lucky to not be injured on that trip (my daughter is pictured next to me). We had wandered by mistake to a more advanced ski area than we could handle and, fortunately, were rescued by ski patrol. It was a scary fun time!

Now, I am in my 60’s! I have no desire to risk breaking a hip on a ski slope and I am instead living life fully in other ways. I feel great – better than I felt only a few years ago. It has taken consistent daily effort to be well (after multiple blows to my physical and emotional well being). What I have learned is this: to put self love and self care first.

I am learning that relationships also take that level of consistent daily effort and care. I’m excited about this realization – it’s an aha moment – there is room for improvement in the area of my relationships with loved ones.

I have learned (and still learning) the importance of not avoiding the difficult conversation. There are subjects that I would rather avoid, out of a life time habit of doing so. A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to learn and practice having some challenging conversations with a roommate, who was also a dear friend. She lived with me for several months during a transitional time and I just got home from attending my mother’s funeral. I welcomed the opportunity to help a friend and to see if I could live with another person again (I have lived alone for most of the last 5 years and really like it).

When two mature women live together, there must be conversations about issues that will, inevitably, pop up. It didn’t take long and I learned greater awareness my own personal boundaries and how to express them respectfully. In the past, I would not only avoid talking about it, I would let pressure build up until my temper or tears burst out. Most people who know me wouldn’t believe that fact. I did have a temper – another learned behavior. We learn how to deal with emotions through the modeling of our parents first, and in my early life, many people- even on tv shows we watched as children – managed feelings by stuffing them or yelling. (Just watch a Roadrunner cartoon!)

Over the past 30 years, I have learned (and practiced) a different way of self expression, communicating, and being emotionally healthy, and of relating to others who are close to me. I have also learned better skills in listening to strangers. I have found that listening – really listening to what people say they want (or need) is ultimately a validating thing to do for others.

When a person feels heard, they feel worthy. Think about that. Do you feel validated in who you are. Do you feel good about yourself and your life? It is a deep work to find this answer and to face the truth within yourself. When you think about the effort, it might be terrifying (it is for me at times) to be completely truthful with those close to you.

It takes great courage especially the first few times you approach a challenging conversation. My greatest fear was that the relationship with the other person would be destroyed or damaged and we would be driven further apart.

Using the example of my friend/roommate, I was afraid that our friendship would be destroyed — we have been friends for over 20 years!

Especially since 2020 there have been opportunities for challenging conversations. We avoid talking about politics with family members who have opposing viewpoints. We avoid talking about death, aging, choice in healthcare, vaccines and probably other topics like our spiritual beliefs. These

issues where I know I have tended to steer clear of when I perceive that it’s not a safe topic of conversation.

However, this is where our opportunity for growth, understanding, deeper connections exist. Start practicing – here’s some steps you can take:

1. Notice when you feel a slight tension in your body when you hear someone discussing a topic.
2. Notice when you feel “icky” when someone oversteps either into your physical space or even in how they speak to you.
3. Just notice and make a list of what triggered your reaction.
4. Once you know your triggers, reframe this awareness to developing and strengthening your personal boundaries.
5. Keep noticing and developing your boundaries. It has taken me a few years to be able to do this – I am still working on it.

Notice that I didn’t list anything at all that is interacting in a conversation with others. This is the development stage for you. You need to feel safe while learning strong boundaries and while building your self esteem. Step away for a bit – give yourself space while you learn.

If you have been raised in a family where you felt validated and supported by both parents, this post may not be for you. Most of us didn’t have this when we were growing up.

I learned how to be a parent when I started having children. I did my best, and yet, my children also had their struggles. Our culture, beliefs, society challenges us to thrive and to be physically and emotionally healthy.

It is never too late to learn to thrive and be fully self expressed. The effort is simply a habit you strengthen and develop, one day at a time. One moment at a time. Practice every day.