Death and Grief

I’m writing this over a month after my last blog. No one in my life ever had more of the ability to relate and listen to validate a person as well as my Uncle Dick. “FU” was my nickname for him and I was “FN” (favorite uncle-favorite niece).

He believed in me and all who knew him enough to call him friend and family. He helped me to secure a business loan when I opened my yoga studio in 2008. He told me my business plan was the best one he ever read. It was an incredible compliment considering he started and built up one of the most successful Civil Engineering firms during his long career.

He passed away March 21, the day after I wrote the March 20 post.

Grief tends to tear open a heart – metaphysically anyway. This opening usually removes my filter over my emotions.

It helps me to write. Writing gives me the time to form my emotions into words. Words do not express the depth that loss is. Grieving is an unknown and yet I have traveled in its darkness before.

I have learned how to navigate it and when to let go and accept that it is a process we go through to heal and come to terms with the inevitability of knowing that we all live and then we all die.

My uncle’s life was inspiring to so many. He touched many hearts — people from many walks of life called him friend or family. These people were family, his Marine Corps friends, his business colleagues, his fishing buddies, neighbors and friends from across the world.

The grief process has stages: shock, (or denial), depression- deep sadness-exhaustion, anger (sometimes with self or others- so far I have not had this crop up), and acceptance. These steps are not linear. They come and go in waves – mostly unpredictable waves. There is also no timeline. Many or most of us cycle through these stages for the rest of our lives. Triggered by a song or something that triggers the memory you shared.

Knowing this helps me to let go of a day’s agenda if I’m not up to it. Each loss and its grieving process has, so far been different for me.

This one feels like a big one and I welcome the lessons- like that our loved ones will live forever in our hearts and minds.

My favorite Uncle met me right after I was born and I excitedly looked forward to seeing him when I was a child. I moved to the state he lived in Minnesota from Nebraska/Missouri (my kids dad lives here too, so there was a double incentive to move here).

In the last few years I worked at City hall in his town and spent most Sundays at his house working through writing his memoir. With his dementia creeping in the project took about 4 years. He once said that when he was done with the book, it might be time to move on. When he could no longer add to his book and write as clearly as before, I saw his unhappiness with that. So we published a proof copy of his book for him to work out of to make minor edits. He got to the 7th chapter the week before heading to the hospital for a bypass surgery. The surgery went well, but the damage in his system was too much for his body to recover even with the excellent doctors. He passed away peacefully in his sleep.

I knew for a while that he wasn’t going to remain much longer in this world. He was preparing for his departure for his last year- and at the same time making plans for the future.

You could say I have been grieving and preparing for this time for the last two years. As his writing changed, it became more challenging for me to work on his book. It was emotions that were hindering my attention.

This is the darkest time of grief and I know that the sun will peak through the clouds again more and more as time goes on.

I am grateful for the years and that I got to spend so much time with him these last few years and working on his book. He was a most generous man in every way. Heart, attention, time and great care.